As a trans man, I have had two cis women attempt to speak poorly of trans women in my presence. I’m going to tell you how that went.
I don’t understand this thing that male-centered cis women have with trans men, because it has happened to me two times, where they thought it was acceptable. I don’t understand it.
For context, one situation happened with a woman I used to date, and the other happened with a woman who was a former client. The most recent one was over the phone with someone I dated. They were talking about how their partner always gets freaked out by a trans woman who always pops up on their feed.
Instantly, I said, “Stop it right there. Stop, stop, stop.”
She said, “But—”
And I said, “No. No buts. Because when you come for one of us, you come for all of us.”
I had to explain transphobia again and again and again to these people. As a trans man, you can’t ever speak poorly of any woman in my presence, especially a trans woman. I had to lay that law down with two cis women because they still don’t get it.
It’s really obnoxious how you all pedestalize yourselves over everyone else who’s trans, and then try to justify your transphobia of trans women to a trans man. It’s extremely ignorant.
In the other instance, I was doing business with this woman. She said, “I had someone come in to interview for a job here. They were a trans woman, and they were just so thin and looked so sickly.”
I said, “Stop right there. Let’s not body shame someone, especially a trans woman.”
That shut it down very quickly.
But it’s so annoying that they can’t see past their own nose to understand that they are literally talking trash about trans people to a trans person. I might not be a trans woman, but she is exactly how I hold myself, and that’s with a lot of respect—a lot of respect that many cisgender people don’t have.
It’s not the move to come to a trans man and try to talk down on trans women, because you’re never going to like the response you get. It’s going to be loud, and it’s going to be exactly what you need to hear, which is that you’re not nice.
Some of you cis women are just not nice, but you are very male-centered, and that’s something you need to heal.
When people work on their own personal development, they center themselves. People who have done their own internal self-reflections generally tend to refrain from speaking negatively about others because there simply is no point investing your energy into that kind of negativity. People of an intelligent mindset, would never come to a trans man to say anything bad about a trans woman.
So I had to provide that lesson twice. I hope I never have to do it again, but I’m prepared if need be.
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About Rev. Dylan Thomas Cotter:
Dylan Thomas Cotter is a prominent gay transgender activist, PR expert, motivational speaker, and author known for his memoir Transgender & Triggering: The Life of Dylan Thomas Cotter, which details his journey through identity, transition, and resilience in Hollywood, appearing in major publications like Vice, Rolling Stone, Out Magazine, Inked Magazine, and Truthout amongst others. He leverages his extensive background in marketing and brand strategy across tech, entertainment, and fashion to amplify diverse voices and champion authenticity and self-expression.